I hate going to the doctors office. Being a grown man with medical insurance does not stop me from complaining endlessly about my next trip to the dentist and avoiding urgent care at all cost. I am not kidding I haven’t gone to the dentist in like 6 years. You know why? It is an unnecessary expense and it is completely pointless 99.99999% of the time. My best remedy for being sick is a hot bath and a generous amount of nyquil that 9/10 doctors would not approve of (honestly taking nyquil and zonking out is about as close as humans can come to time travel). 

When I was a kid my loathing of the doctors office was normally due to the fact that they would stick a popsicle stick so far down my mouth that it would poke out of my ass. On top of that, most of the time I was faking and knew it was ¼ of my sick day I wasn’t going to get back. Not kidding I think my mom would take me to the doctor sometimes to punish me for faking sick. 

Once in the fifth grade I went to the nurse complaining about a sore throat so my mother decided to take me to doctors (I know she did this to piss me off). She said something along the lines of “if the doctor says you’re not actually sick then you’re going to have to deal with your father” or something along those lines. 

I knew I was in for it cause I was so healthy I could’ve had my own column section in “Highlights Magazine” where I let the other kiddos know how to keep your sinus’ clear even in peak flu season. Also since spanking your child was still an acceptable form of punishment I knew that if I wasn’t deemed sick by Dr.Whocares I wasn’t going to sit right for a week. 

We got to the doctors office and I went with my tried and true method for getting sympathy from grown ups. I delivered lines like “My throat is so sore I can’t eat anything”, “My head feels like a heartbeat”, and my personal favorite “I feel so bad I can’t even play PlayStation.” I was a real pro at this point so I knew with those kind of symptoms I could probably get a sinus infection diagnose and be on my way. Boy was I wrong. The doc decided to get out that unesaarly long q-tip to test me for strep throat. Fuck. 

When we were waiting for the results, I started to feel like missing math class was almost not worth the punishment I was going to receive, but looking back on it I would still take the spanking over long division which is one of the few things more ridiculous then the doctors.  

The doctor entered the room and to everyone’s surprise my strep test came back POSITIVE. I wish I could make this up. I was sitting on that weird ass bed made of wax paper with the smuggest grin of my entire life. This was best case scenario because not only was I more than healthy enough to play my PlayStation but my mother felt terrible for me. The sympathy I received that day was unmatched. My Mother was so sure I was faking she had  threatened me with my fathers wrath and now she had to look me in the eyes and apologize for her mistake, PRICELESS. On top of that, the Doctor said I was likely very contagious and that I should take a couple more days off of school. 

So I guess in that instance going to the doctors was kind of a win in my book. However the reason I hate the doctors as an adult is completely different. In the rare times I end up visiting the Doctors I am often treated in a very similar way my mother treated me on that fateful day, like I am faking. We pay people to just guess what’s wrong with us. I could genuinely be a great family doctor. I would just google my patients symptoms and prescribe the remedy that that WebMD has given me. Which we all know is what those smug assholes are doing when they leave the room for 20 minutes anyways.  doctors probably treat me poorly cause I am 23 and they might think im there trying to score some xanax. I could waltz in with a steak knife in my skull and they’d say something like “you might want to see a specialist for this” or they might say “Just take a bath and take some nyquil”. And just like that there’s 20 bucks you’ll never see again. And for what? That sweet feeling of knowing you just got ripped off and there is nothing you and your dumb little bachelors degree can do about it. 

Ok so don’t be ridiculous if you’re genuinely suffering from a major ailment or disease then its best to visit the emergency room. That way the actual heros, surgeons can save your life. I am just kidding (kind of) but I promise I will not pay another 20 dollar copay ever again in my life. Fuck the doctors (and the dentist too but thats for another time).