Author: Cheese Coney Chris

Top 8 Things That Piss Me off, but I do all the Time

Posted on by Cheese Coney Chris

The following list includes a series of things that drive me up a wall. Whether they’re things that are inconsiderate, rude, or just a personal pet peeve of mine. That being said it’s a long fall off of your high-horse and I am guilty of committing almost all of these atrocities, cause lets face I am an immature man baby. So let’s get to it. 

8. Speeding. 

There is nothing more frustrating than a 16 year old with license so fresh the laminate is warm zooming around you going 60 mph in a school zone. Normally said teenager is equipped with something like a slammed 1998 Honda Accord. However if we are being honest here I normally cruise at least 5-10 miles over the speed limit wherever I go (cool guy alert). Maybe it’s cause I think Im Pual Walker, or maybe it’s because I have never been pulled over and I am just testing the police.  

7. Playing Music Extremely Loud in your Car 

Number  8 is the perfect segway from number 9 because it’s normally the same kid in the Accord from before, is  pulling this same asshole move. When I am sitting at a stop light and I can hear every word of the track you are bumping I immediately lose all respect for you. I know it may feel cool to play your music aloud to show off your exquisite taste in trap music, but you look like an asshole. Then again not only do I normally play my music as loud as it goes im also always singing along with it. It is so frustrating cause I know I look stupid, but I just feel so cool doing it. 

6. Messing with the Thermostat 

Unless you have roommates like me, or you’re a parent with inconsiderate children this one may not apply to you. There is nothing worse than living with someone who prefers a different household temperature than you.  In college my roommate loved the house warm so he could sleep naked, a respectable proposition, but I liked it ice cold so I could feel cozy in my jammies when I sleep ( I’m a simple man). I would get so frustrated every time I got home and the thermostat was set 78 degrees so naturally I would set it back to 70, which I’m sure infuriated my rommie just as much (sorry buddy).    

5. Being Extremely Drunk 

Have you ever been out on the town, having a nice night when all of sudden a guy named Tim or some shit tries to come up to befriend you. Tim normally has a soaking wet shirt for some reason, is walking like a toddler, and smells like the smoking section of an old diner. I don’t know how it happens but normally this kind of character swings back in forth from wanting to be your best buddy, to wanting to kick your ass. Well guys, Tim is me, I am Tim. Okay maybe not all the time, but even the best of us have one sometimes. It happens, but it’s extremely annoying. 

4. Not Texting Back 

In the modern era, the cell phone is king. The niceties of normal face to face interaction are a thing of the past. Cell phone etiquette is now a real and important thing. That’s why nothing gets my cheeks more red then when I am trying to get a hold of someone through the modern day version of a carrier pigeon without any success. Whether it’s because they have fallen asleep, their phone has died, or they are just plain ignoring you. It’s a slap to the face and can be really annoying if you are trying to actually figure something out (IMO plans should always be conducted over a phone call).  But then again I do this ALL THE TIME. Not texting back is one of my worst habits. I normally don’t mean to, but also a lot of the times I am just ignoring my responsibilities , or people I don’t really like. Either way in 2020 we should all try to get better at this one. 

3. Dishes 

Going along with the thermostat thing, this is something that people with roommates and children likely struggle with most. I like a semi clean house. It makes me feel like the garbage fire that is my life is at least a little put together. So nothing makes me more mad then when I spend an hour or two scrubbing a sink full of dishes just to have my roomate fill the sink back up in what seems like minutes. It is annoying because it makes cooking a nightmare and a sink full of dirty dishes is just a billboard that lets everyone who enters your home know “Hey I am lazy, as well as gross.” . However, sometimes you just don’t feel like cleaning those damn plates, AND ESPECIALLY THE SILVERWARE. That shit is tedious. Dishes are probably the soul reason global warming will never be solved, we are gonna use single use plates and forks forever. 

2. Missing Birthdays

Am I 23 years old? Yes. Am I old enough to recognize people are busy with their lives, and the world doesn’t revolve around me? Yes. Is my birthday is still my very own special day? Yes. All jokes aside when people you care about forget your birthday it can really hurt your feelings. I know I should not care, but a simple happy birthday phone call or text goes a long way. It shows that you care about a person, even just a little. Sadly, I often forget to text those I love on their birthday. It’s never on purpose but like I previously mentioned we are busy people and most of the time I don’t even know what day of the week it is. That being said I am very petty so if you don’t text me on my birthday, you probably won’t get a text from me on yours. 

1.  Canceling Plans

There is nothing quite like the excitement of having plans with a person you really like. In the shit adult world we live in, free time is hard to come-by and having something to do with other people gives you that feeling of  “yeah i’m still cool, i still go out” . That’s why there is nothing more devastating than when your buddy from work texts you saying “Hey man I really wanted to go see the new Star Wars tonight, but my cat has tonsillitis.” . It is soul crushing. Then again I think the best drug around is that post canceling plans feeling. It’s an unmatched feeling of ecstasy and nirvana. You know when you’re sitting on the couch and you are really in to some show on Netflix but the whole time your are like “Fuck I have to go see Starwars with Jim tonight, I should just tell him my cat’s sick or something.”  It’s such a scumbag move, but we all do it.

KOBE 🏀

Posted on by Cheese Coney Chris

This is not the blog I planned on writing today. Sadly, on this day January 26th, 2020 we have lost one of the greatest athletes of our generation, and probably of all time, Kobe Bean Bryant. My goal is to typically keep things light hearted and fun on this site, but by not saying a few words about Black Mamba would be doing him a disservice.  

Kobe is not the first celebrity death that has caused me a great deal of emotional distress. I would say the first was Robin Williams. His death upset me because in my childhood he always seemed to be so happy and joyus, when in reality it he was struggling with his own demons all along. The second celebrity death that caused similar feelings was Mac Miller. For me and a lot of others his music helped us feel less alone, and his songs were the anthems to our coming of age. Mac was the first celebrity I ever shed a tear over. Now the second is Kobe Bryant. 

I cannot pretend that basketball played a major role in my life. I grew up in Kentucky, were college basketball is the pinnacle of entertainment, but even in that environment it was never anything more than a fun hobby of mine. I never really played on an actual team and I haven’t been that interested in the NBA for years, aside from playing NBA 2K.  So why I do I feel so distraught I wonder?  

Kobe Bryant was not just an athlete to me and other kids growing up. He was a superhero, a legend, a mythical being that seemed to do things that were not humanly possible on a daily basis. He was an inspiration to so many, because his work ethic and reputation were unlike anything seen before. I did not think of Kobe a basketball player, I thought of him as a modern day Greek God of sorts,with a Pual Bunyan type persona who captivated my imagination and made me believe I could do anything . That is why this is so hard for me as well as it must be for 1000’s of others. To have someone as iconic and popular stricken down in the blink of an eye by something as obscure s a helicopter crash is just hard to imagine. I had not even fully ruled out the idea of Kobe one day returning to the league, but here I set in awe and disbelief. 

Personally the death of Kobe Bryant truly feels like the final nail in the coffin that was my childhood. People always say that young people “think they’re invincible”, and for a while I truly thought I was. For so long death seemed like something reserved for the elderly, now I think differently.  Part of growing up is seeing how precious life truly is, and how it can be taken at any second. Even the legends parish in unlikely ways. Death does not care about how many triple doubles you recorded, or how many championship rings you won. 

I wish nothing but the best Vanessa Bryant and her children as they grief. I hope she gets the privacy and support she deserves as she deals with the loss of her Husband and Daughter. I can not imagine the pain the Bryant family must be in right now. To me Kobe Bryant will live on in my head as something so much more than his stat line. He represents my youth, the fragility of life, and what it means to leave a legacy. There is a reason that every-time a 12 year shots a paper ball in a trash bin they yell “Kobe”, I hope that never changes. RIP to a legend. 

Kobe Bean Bryant August 23rd , 1978 – January 26th 2020

Doctors are Scam Airtist

Posted on by Cheese Coney Chris

I hate going to the doctors office. Being a grown man with medical insurance does not stop me from complaining endlessly about my next trip to the dentist and avoiding urgent care at all cost. I am not kidding I haven’t gone to the dentist in like 6 years. You know why? It is an unnecessary expense and it is completely pointless 99.99999% of the time. My best remedy for being sick is a hot bath and a generous amount of nyquil that 9/10 doctors would not approve of (honestly taking nyquil and zonking out is about as close as humans can come to time travel). 

When I was a kid my loathing of the doctors office was normally due to the fact that they would stick a popsicle stick so far down my mouth that it would poke out of my ass. On top of that, most of the time I was faking and knew it was ¼ of my sick day I wasn’t going to get back. Not kidding I think my mom would take me to the doctor sometimes to punish me for faking sick. 

Once in the fifth grade I went to the nurse complaining about a sore throat so my mother decided to take me to doctors (I know she did this to piss me off). She said something along the lines of “if the doctor says you’re not actually sick then you’re going to have to deal with your father” or something along those lines. 

I knew I was in for it cause I was so healthy I could’ve had my own column section in “Highlights Magazine” where I let the other kiddos know how to keep your sinus’ clear even in peak flu season. Also since spanking your child was still an acceptable form of punishment I knew that if I wasn’t deemed sick by Dr.Whocares I wasn’t going to sit right for a week. 

We got to the doctors office and I went with my tried and true method for getting sympathy from grown ups. I delivered lines like “My throat is so sore I can’t eat anything”, “My head feels like a heartbeat”, and my personal favorite “I feel so bad I can’t even play PlayStation.” I was a real pro at this point so I knew with those kind of symptoms I could probably get a sinus infection diagnose and be on my way. Boy was I wrong. The doc decided to get out that unesaarly long q-tip to test me for strep throat. Fuck. 

When we were waiting for the results, I started to feel like missing math class was almost not worth the punishment I was going to receive, but looking back on it I would still take the spanking over long division which is one of the few things more ridiculous then the doctors.  

The doctor entered the room and to everyone’s surprise my strep test came back POSITIVE. I wish I could make this up. I was sitting on that weird ass bed made of wax paper with the smuggest grin of my entire life. This was best case scenario because not only was I more than healthy enough to play my PlayStation but my mother felt terrible for me. The sympathy I received that day was unmatched. My Mother was so sure I was faking she had  threatened me with my fathers wrath and now she had to look me in the eyes and apologize for her mistake, PRICELESS. On top of that, the Doctor said I was likely very contagious and that I should take a couple more days off of school. 

So I guess in that instance going to the doctors was kind of a win in my book. However the reason I hate the doctors as an adult is completely different. In the rare times I end up visiting the Doctors I am often treated in a very similar way my mother treated me on that fateful day, like I am faking. We pay people to just guess what’s wrong with us. I could genuinely be a great family doctor. I would just google my patients symptoms and prescribe the remedy that that WebMD has given me. Which we all know is what those smug assholes are doing when they leave the room for 20 minutes anyways.  doctors probably treat me poorly cause I am 23 and they might think im there trying to score some xanax. I could waltz in with a steak knife in my skull and they’d say something like “you might want to see a specialist for this” or they might say “Just take a bath and take some nyquil”. And just like that there’s 20 bucks you’ll never see again. And for what? That sweet feeling of knowing you just got ripped off and there is nothing you and your dumb little bachelors degree can do about it. 

Ok so don’t be ridiculous if you’re genuinely suffering from a major ailment or disease then its best to visit the emergency room. That way the actual heros, surgeons can save your life. I am just kidding (kind of) but I promise I will not pay another 20 dollar copay ever again in my life. Fuck the doctors (and the dentist too but thats for another time). 

Where to Begin

Posted on by Cheese Coney Chris

I feel like throughout my whole life I have always heard “if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life”. Well I’m an idiot and the one thing I have truly found that brings me joy is chilling. A large number of people already know exactly what I mean by this but if you are one of those “hardworking” types here’s some more insight on what it truly means to chill. I am frankly never happier than when I know that I do not have to leave the comfort of my bed for an extended (emphases on extended) period of time, i’m talking 2 days minimum. I reach an unmatched level of clarity when I single handedly take down an entire large pizza in my pajamas whilst slamming Coors Lite, and when I say an entire large pizza I don’t mean it in a quirky sense. I regularly consume that many calories, there are NEVER leftovers. With that being said I have only been graduated and in the workforce for a little over six months and I am not even kind of exaggerating when I say I can not wait for retirement. 

Don’t get me wrong I love to go out and explore the world, hit the gym, maybe get a slushee BUT ON MY OWN TIME. Like the rest of the sane world I truly can’t stand being told what to do or when to do it. Why should I listen to anyone I deem dumber than the whales they train at sea world? Granted the whales at Sea World are pretty smart, but not smart enough to escape capture, so take that how you will. That is why I am starting this blog. So I can talk my shit about what pisses me off, what makes me laugh, and to feel like there are just a few souls out there that feel my pain. Also I once promised a third grade teacher of mine I would become a writer one day, so I guess this counts. 

Now I am in no position to lose my job so I’m going to keep a certain level of anonymity until I either make enough money to do this full time or I lose motivation and quit blogging altogether. Also hopefully by me keeping my identity a secret you the reader can more easily put yourself in my shoes…? I don’t know. 

I feel like I am not alone in my plight. I feel like a closet majority of people truly question how humanity got so off track from the days when you wouldn’t leave your cave unless it was to snag a bite to eat or to find a mate. So if you feel the same way I do I think you might enjoy what I have to say. You might even laugh a little along the way. And to all those who disagree or oppose my viewpoints I only have one thing to say, “Heck em”.